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Valentine movie review

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This was a movie I was supposed to love. I was biased towards it in every way possible. An Australian directed it and I am Australian. It starred David Boreanaz (who plays Angel on the seven network's Angel) and I am great fan of his work in Angel and Buffy. But most of all it bore the badge of that infamous genre that I just can't seem to get enough of, the teenage slasher flick. Well after viewing this ludicrous, lacklustre steaming pile of rot, perhaps I have had enough.

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Jamie Blanks, who previously directed Urban Legend, a film that is as entertaining as a Scream-clone can be, shows absolutely none of the slight directorial flair he displayed in his previous outing. One would think that after one attempt at a genre, young Jamie might have ironed out the minor wrinkles that creased Urban Legend and crafted a fast, furious and exciting romp in Valentine. And this is what is sooooooooooooo frustrating about the film, because of the potential it had to be... decent. A director who had worked successfully in the genre before, a cast of young promising actors, a decent premise and a sufficient budget were all in place for what may have been a significant entry into the slasher flick family. However, as the film unravels in all its tired glory, one sees that any hopes of grandeur are quickly dashed. And then they have to sit through another eighty minutes!

This premise I talk of is a twist on the revenge sub-genre of slasher flicks. And it is a good twist at that. Many years ago a young boy was tormented at a school dance. He asked a ridiculous number of girls to dance and they all systematically rejected him in some of the most humiliating ways. He is then humiliated further when the 'fat chick' he is caught making out with claims he 'jumped' her. Oh yes, the poor kid is rushed off into a mental hospital where he spends a great deal of his childhood. And now, in the present day he wants some blood! And who the hell can blame him?

Oh what great things could have been done. Naked bosoms, gushing blood, screaming blondes. But the problem really comes from the foundation of the film, the script. It lacks any type of humour. The female characters are stale and unsympathetic, the horror scenes lag, the plot is poorly handled and the males in the film are all bastards. Whilst I do understand this is set in America and there may be some truth to boring females and bastard boys, we in Australia require something a little more meaty. The film lacks any emotional core and we almost want our cherub-masked mince-meater to cut throats and slice chests. After all how can you support these stuck up girls who only a few years ago were torturous popular school bitches?

This may have been forgivable if there were a couple of jugs of fun injected into the 'party', but if a good time is what you are looking for I suggest you leave after the trailers. Whilst the opening scenes of the tormented junior are stylishly handled, it would seem that Mr Blanks fell asleep at the wheel for the rest of the film. The first murder drags like no other, and this girl, even for someone in a horror movie, is extremely dumb. It is almost as if Blanks couldn't find an interesting way to kill anyone so he just stuffed them in a corner to scream.

You want to know about the performances? No you don't! Some of them are decent; (Boreanaz escapes unscathed) but let me tell you Miss Denise Richards a DD cup is not a Diploma in Drama!

If you want to see this movie, go on. I won't stop you. But don't you dare pay! I normally wouldn't condone such action but it would be a much greater crime to congratulate this garbage with your money. I haven't worked out my rating system yet but that doesn't matter because this film wouldn't rate a bleep on my radar!


Add your comments Joel Meares
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Title: Valentine (2001)
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The Players: David Boreanz
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ISSN 1328-8008
Published in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
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Filed: 15-Oct-2001 : Last updated: : Last tested: 8-Jul-2014: Last Compiled: 08-Aug-2014
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